The Murdocky press wishes to release a press statement. There has been a lot of criticism recently about a lack of investigative journalism in the worlds worst newspapers: The Herald Scum and the Daily Propaganda but to name two. So here at the Murdocky press we have decided to bring to you, the public, a series of expose’s where we will have people on the inside exposing the corrupt practices of some of the most shonky government/business deals that you are ever likely to hear about. Without fear or favour we will expose the corrupt, the incompetent and the inept that hide within the ranks of senior public officials and who make deals behind the scenes that cost you, the taxpayer dearly. In this series the public, that’s you, will be asked to send in your stories of corruption and incompetence to our editorial team at the Murdocky press. We will send out intrepid reporters into the very bowels of these public companies, councils and government agencies to bring to you the most interesting,shocking, smelly and investigative stories that you are ever likely to read.
The first report in this series will focus on an internal document from a railway organisation who, if the organisation was an individual would be labelled as a dysfunctional, maladjusted, feckless and counter productive individual. It would appear that the organisation in question is suffering from delusional paranoia that has a mania for employing staff and labelling them managers. To bring home the point, the Murdocky press is in possession of further documents that will have you scratching your heads in disbelief.
Below is an extract of an internal document from a whistle blower. Whistle Blower, trains, Oh forget it.
We are less than pleased to announce the departure of yet another temporary manager. The work load was too great for him and so we have decided that to make the place run more efficiently and to spread the load more equitably we are pleased to announce the formation of a brand new department to employ more managers.
(For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term ‘Temporary Manager’ please refer to staff memo. (“From the Boss, section x reference I. a.m. in charge in 2015 and I can make your situation go from permanent to temporary whenever I like.) For full details this memo along with all the others might be found on-line, might being the operative word.
This new department will be called the ‘Department of Managers.’ Previously known as The Managers department.
The Department of Managers will be managed by a Manager, whose brief will be to ensure that there are enough Managers available at all times to manage the Managers. The person selected for this high profile position will be less than highly motivated, not quite a team player and will put his own self interests ahead of everyone else.
The Department of Managers, Manager will have an Assistant Manager whose role will be to ensure that all Managers are issued with a managers sign. The managers signs will be numbered 1 2 3 etc according to rank and seniority and will be worn prominently on the front of their safety vests so that there will be no issue with staff working out who’s who in the zoo. The higher the number the less important you are. So as to stop confusion among the passengers the managers vests will have written prominently across the back. “DONT BOTHER ME WITH YOUR STUPID QUESTIONS IF YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING JUST TWEET US”. And just to ensure that no one is offended the sign will finish off with, “THANKS FOR TRAVELLING WITH US AND WE DONT CARE WHAT SORT OF DAY THAT YOU ARE HAVING.”
To ensure that there will be no confusion between the Manager’s roles, the Manager in charge of the signs will NOT BE the Manager in charge of the numbers on the signs.
That role will be for the Numbers Manager and his Assistant, who will be referred to as the Assistant Numbers Manager Senior and Assistant Numbers Manager Junior.
At the last meeting of Managers it was decided that the Managers role was integral in the efficient running of trains as no one else mattered.
Also at that Managers meeting it was decided that all of the problems associated with the problems besetting the efficient running of trains were solely caused by one group.
The trouble was caused by the train drivers and no one else. We know that this is not true, but it is as far as the information is that we feed to the gullible public.
A survey was conducted by our highly skilled management team and they were unanimous in their verdict and contrary to popular belief, it was not a lack of maintenance and our decision to replace moving metal parts with plastic ones in the signal point machines that cause the ever increasing delays to the trains.
No, we will lay the blame firmly with those bad tempered, cantankerous, ill mannered train drivers and if we use that excuse long enough everyone will believe it. The drivers keep insisting on stopping their trains out in the middle of nowhere just because they see a few coloured lights and this one issue has a snowballing effect that causes the trains to bank up behind each other and therefore causes all kinds of stresses among our patients, customers or whatever the manager of name calling is calling them this week.
The manager of the lighting department has also determined, along with the specialist lighting consultancy group that trade by the name of “The Colour Coordinator Consultancy Group’ with whom the Manager consulted extensively with and they have all determined that the coloured lights that the drivers insist at stopping at are all coloured red. It took the consultancy group a total of six months to come to this conclusion which would make them one of the most efficient consultancy groups that we have ever used. And for those of you who a bit slow or sluggish, that means that it is the stopping at red lights that is detrimental to us achieving 100% on time running. We take this report as accurate because it was delivered to us by the reporting manager and his job is to report things to us as are reported to him, that’s why he is referred to in the report as the reporting manager.
In light of this finding the senior management team have decided that as taxi drivers or tram drivers do not stop every time that they see a red light then nor should train drivers. The senior management team have determined that this practice is to stop immediately as it is too time consuming and serves no purpose other than to interfere with our ‘On Time Performance Stats’.
A spokesperson for the senior management team was quoted as saying, “This practice is just one of those archaic work practices that the drivers have hung onto since the steam days when someone actually walked in front of the locomotive waving a red flag from side to side and ringing a bell warning of an approaching train.” And so, commencing forthwith the practice of stopping at coloured lights must stop immediately. However, the practice of trains running slowly will continue.
Drivers have to understand that we are the managers and that there are more of us than drivers and our job is to make the place run efficiently. We don’t care what drivers work practices were. They all must understand that we are not interested in knowing about their job. They will all just drive the trains, nothing else.
We will inform them where and if we want them to stop anywhere.
We are managers because we are smart, we must make sure that everyone understands that and just because drivers all have this thing about stopping every time they come across a coloured light doesn’t mean that this practice has to continue.
In line with our corporate policy of streamlining out of date work practices and to help us achieve our goal of having every train manipulated to show it as arriving on time we have established a brand new department that will be referred to from herein as the ‘Department of Managers’ and their first priority will be to address the issue of drivers stopping at coloured lights. In particular, the red ones.
We will appoint a manager to oversea the removal of all red lights. His department will be called the Red Light District Managers Department and will work closely with the head of the new “Department of Managers.’
The Transport Minister has agreed with this new policy, and she has also agreed that we will be able to remove up to 75 per cent of all stations in the near future as soon as the new funding arrangements have been finalised and as soon as she has received permission from the Chinese Government to do so.
The Transport Minister was quoted as saying, and we all agree, “The State Government has decided that it is too difficult and complicated for the elected State Government to run the suburban train system and the State government will officially allow the Chinese Government to dictate State Government policy in this area. It is more convenient for us as an organisation to allow a foreign government owned organisation to manage the trains here than for us to do it. It costs the taxpayers a lot more money to have the Chinese Government owned businesses to run the system, but what do we care. We are a lazy government and everyone expects us to be incompetent.” End of quote.
Another spokesperson was quoted as saying, “Stopping at stations is the second biggest cause of delays to trains, after drivers issues.”
Our job is to move people from one location to another, and to ensure that this happens and to make the practice of doing this efficiently we will get the people to go to where we want to pick them up from, and we will let them off where it suits us, not them, after all, they only pay for the system and it has nothing to do with them as to how we run the system.
The spokesperson was also quoted as saying that the railways are like a bowl of spaghetti and our goal is to turn that bowl of spaghetti into something that resembles a tray of lasagne and we will achieve that by breaking up the system into small bite-sized chunks. Hence the need to develop the new Department of Managers.
There are currently several vacancies for the position of Head of Management and assistant Head of Management along with their assistant positions.
Applicants with experience in transport logistics will be looked upon favourably, this will include those holding certificates of competency in skate boards, bicycles and horse drawn carriages. Please ensure that your resume includes which department would suit your skills base.