The Mouth Diarrhea of Robert Doyle and other stories



The ‘Mouth Diarrhoea’ of Robert Doyle, Come on Down, & other railway stories.

Note to Bob: It’s better to keep your mouth shut and appear ignorant, than it is to open it and eliminate any doubt!


All railways/railroads have similarly worded Rules, Regulations and/or Instructions. Now Bob, those rules, Regulations and/or Instructions are there for a REASON.

Reasons long and clearly understood by railwaymen and women.

They are required or mandated by Parliamentary Acts, or other executive orders.

Note 1:

The stopping distance of a train is usually `long’- measured in hundreds of metres, and sometimes thousands” depending on the speed and weight of the train, and the grade of the track” downhill takes longer than uphill Bob, it’s a product of physics, and completely uninfluenced by the fact that you happen to be still standing, walking, running, cycling or driving in or across the `five-foot’. Railway people know this stuff, like other people (mostly) know that the sun rises in the East.

(Unless you happen to be Robert Doyle and you think the sun shines out of your arse.)

You wanna die mate? Come on down!

Note 2:

The whistle is THE PRIMARY Warning Device “fitted to trains and locomotives (Since about 1833 if memory serves) for the purpose of the preservation of life and limb” yea, verily, even those lives and limbs of the stupidest and most undeserving ones.

It proclaims “LOUDLY” that I am coming; that I cannot just `stop’ and you had better not be there when I arrive there, because the LAWS of physics decree that two solid objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time.

AND my `object’ (350,000kg of fast moving steel) is solider that your `object’ 80-120kg of

dumb human meat, (HOWEVER THICK your skull or political skin) and whatever you put it in” designer jeans, Lycra body-suit, or Korean 4WD.

I PROMISE YOU that I AM going to win THAT argument, EVERY TIME.

You might merely hurt “a lot” and for a very long time.

Or you might simply do us all a favour and die, i.e., be DEAD, forever. Either way it’s messy, unpleasant, and either way, YOU lose!

Hit by a train, accident or suicide, the average time to death 17 minutes!


Further Reading:

(Images here for those with strong stomachs “I’ve seen enough real life examples to be going on with” but some people and most Doyle’s might benefit from some `education’ in these matters.) ms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjq_a7YiIvLAhXGE5QKHXCCCPYQ_AUIBigB&dpr=1.25

You wanna die (in 17 minutes, on average) mate? Come on down!

Note 3:

It makes this statement LOUDLY because it is intended to be heard, and recognised, AND ACTED UPON at a `meaningful distance’.

That is, a distance at which there is still time to act upon it.

I’m doing 22m/sec at 80km/h, so I’m betting that I’m faster than you are.

If you leave `acted upon’ until the last couple of seconds, then you probably just lost.

It’s intended to work even when we can’t see each other for reasons of track or road curvature, cuttings, lineside vegetation, buildings, other road or rail traffic, illumination or lack of it.

It’s intended to work when you’re talking on your mobile, listening to iTunes, or yelling at the kids squawking in the car.

It’s intended to work whatever the state of wind or weather, source or level of background

noise, hour of the day or phase of the moon.

And it’s all there to keep your worthless arse alive. Yours, and everybody else’s.

And if, in spite of all that, if you (or they) wanna die mate? Come on down!

Note 4:

It is a LEGAL REQUIREMENT that I sound the whistle at the times and places, and in the manner prescribed, otherwise I might have been negligent when your hard of hearing mum, delinquent `risk taking’ teenager, or even you in an uncharacteristic moment of brain failure (or possibly `out of character’ inebriation) prove what I just said in Notes 1; 2; and 3; to be true.

And then someone is going to want me charged, sacked, prosecuted and sued.

Note 5:

SILENCE IS GOLDEN “a FACT which is wasted on the whining , entitled, opinionated, latte sipping, beret wearing, Gitanes smoking, self-important, clueless twats of this world, and getting your head on the telly, or in the local paper, is the BEST WAY to ensure that those with the power of the decibel close at hand observe the rules and regulations – to the letter of both law and regulation” and to the Nth degree.

Don’t believe me?

Ask Steve May, of Elm Street Northcote  right between the Arthurton & Beavers Road crossings.


Now Steve’s a serial cam-plaigner, pictured here in the `local rag’ (again) at the ramparts on yet another earth shatteringly important local issue, (another 15 seconds of `fame’).

But at least he has a sense of humour.

Steve enlisted Mrs. May to cam-plaign on his behalf when he wasn’t around. (Note also the apartments directly opposite Steve’s house that only popped up in the last 10 years or so!

Their `catch-cry’ painted on a strategically located door was “Less Beeping More Sleeping”. That was a dismal failure too!)


Here’s Mrs. Steve May, back in July 2014″ Her `silent protest’ went unheard “and regulation whistles continued” as they do, even to this very day!



High resolution, low level drone-cam surveillance picture of Steve’s `artwork’. Oct. 2014

(Incidentally Steve, is that your work on the East side fence too?)


Ask Steve’s predecessor and role model, Robert Duval of Fairfield, near the Up whistle board for Victoria Road – from August 2006.…

Duval’s bullshit `invention’ “which, by the way, he didn’t invent” wasn’t adopted by Connex, or Metro, or mandated by anyone” and Duval either went deaf, died of frustration, or moved elsewhere!

Ask `Steven-Come-Lately’ Rowan “of Leamington Crescent, Caulfield Eastright near the whistle board for Neerim Road, from December 2015

Image_007 crossings/news-story/5dd762679c4d8137a8f010bd5b27e14a


Ask Professor Harry Blutstein, author and noise pollution consultant (No less!), of Railway Street, Merri, and his mate Nick Karamouzis. (Like, RAILWAY STREET wasn’t a clue Harry?)

They got their little circus up and running (and their picture in the paper) less than one week after the commencement of the Home Safe, Late Night 12 Month Trial. trains-sound-all-night-20160106-gm0blr.html#ixzz3wSW9xaEG

More importantly, ASK THE NEIGHBOURS of these morons, then and now suffering from the increased acoustic fallout generated by their stupidity, big mouths & larger egos.

Prevention is better than cure, right?

But the thing about prevention is that you don’t know how effective the prevention has been because there’s no way to determine the difference in the body-count.

These opinionated morons might like to consider this:

Driving trains is one of the few jobs where you can go to work every day with the perfectly reasonable expectation that you might be involved in delivering death to a stranger.

You don’t know when, where, or how. You don’t know if today’s the day.

But somewhere, sometime, you can be almost sure, it’ll happen.

It’s all about the law of averages (properly described in probability theory as the Law of Large Numbers – LLN); and the numbers don’t lie.

In fact, only Defence force personnel on active duty have a higher probability. Cops on the other hand rate a VERY far-away 3rd.

Most cops “even in gun happy America” manage to go their whole career without ever drawing a weapon in anger, let alone killing anyone.

And in both those cases you’d like to think that the recipients de la morte got what was coming

to them – that they’deserved’ it – that it was justified, warranted, necessary; and that the soldiers and cops are at ease with the decisions they’ve made in the circumstances.

(And do recognise that in many cases, however justifiable, they’re not at ease – but that’s not what I’m here to talk about!)

But train drivers……………..?

Well, we’re a special case, we are.

Our’enlistment’ lasts for decades, our workplace is already inherently dangerous, and we don’t make the decision – it’s made for us by the actions or inactions, (be they deliberate, accidental, or incidental), of others!

There are about 1300 train drivers in Victoria – that varies a little from year to year.

The actual number of fatalities also varies from year to year and’they’ don’t keep a running tally of that – you have to dig around to find it.

So I did just that, and here’s what I found;

50-75 fatalities a year 1 to 1.5/wk on average a mixture of suicides, accidents and not known. Let’s say it’s only 52 – 1 a week = that’s one every 25 years, on average, for each and every one of those 1300 drivers – or about 1.5 in your career.

But the odds are heavily stacked against suburban drivers – the sheer volume of people in the metropolitan area and the numbers of trains – both of which are increasing all the time – ensure that opportunities are plentiful and fatalities and horrendous injuries are common.

So about 75% of drivers work in the suburban system, and about 85% of fatalities or 44 a year occur there.

900 /44 = that’s one every 20.4 years, for each of those 900 suburban drivers – or about 2 in

your career – on average.

75 fatalities a year means 900/63.7 = 1 every 14 years or about 3 in your career – on average. And it’s the averages that kill you (sorry!) every time, because some have none, and some have more – some well into the teens!

Then there are the injuries ranging from relatively minor, to relatively serious, even more common than fatalities, and near misses – or as we now seem to be calling them, near hits – the most common experience – are widely recognised as also being an `affecting experience’ – sometimes even worse than a fatality.

So statistically, we will each have 1.5 – 3 fatalities during our careers, a number of incidents involving injuries, and countless near misses that are so routine that many, perhaps most, go ‘unreported’.

(And of course some will have less than that and others more – that’s the nature of `averages’!)

But where in the training was that `lesson’? Well, there wasn’t any!

THAT information is part of the accumulated `lore’ of the ‘tribe’, handed down from the elders in meal rooms and Saturday afternoon piss-ups and fishing trips “often long before your first fatality” and at peer instigated ‘Stress Management’ sessions after the fact.

Where’s the running ‘gotcha’ tally on the adverse event tally sheet?

They seem well able to tabulate SPADS and overshoots, so where’s the monthly ‘kill’ tally?

Where’s the Depot by Depot `Scoreboard’?

Who’s the current Ace the “Von Richthofen” of death on the tracks? Oh, it’s probably better that officialdom doesn’t mention that.

Then they’d have admitted it was a problem, and then they’d have to do something about it, and that ‘something’ would have a ‘cost’ that someone would have to pay.

Now as an incidental observer of the human animal, with no particular interest, training or expertise in the field, other than 30 years ‘on campus’ in the university of life and death railway operations, I’ll go out on a limb and state the following as observed facts:

Notwithstanding that everyone has a different experience and response –

That individual events tend to have a greater affect as we get older;

That these events are cumulative, (although not necessarily `linear’) in their effect;

And, these are particularly galling, upsetting and traumatic, given that our job revolves around safety – keeping people alive and undamaged – even (and perhaps ESPECIALLY) the genetically deficient ones, those with diminished responsibility, and those bent on self-destruction.

The brain dead, drug affected (including alcohol, coz alcohol is a drug too, right? Albeit a socially acceptable one!) , the distracted; the ‘really important ones’ who have to catch that train and can’t possibly afford to wait a few minutes for the next one; those who choose to insulate and isolate themselves from their surroundings in a dangerous environment with headphones and mobile phones; those with mental issues and nowhere else to go (Thanks in large measure to Jeff Kennett); shenanigans, shyacking and risk-taking behavior, especially among the young and stupid – all good clean fun until it goes to shit – as it inevitably will – and all grist for the mill, as it were.

And it’s a ruthless, effective and unforgiving mill.

800-odd route kilometres of ‘access all areas’, largely unfenced, hiding places & camouflage supplied free of charge,’choose your own time and place’ opportunities, with your own personal ‘dispatcher’ rolling down the track every 10 minutes or so.

Any wonder it’s a growth industry.

And that’s why I get really peeved with retards like Steve May, Bob Duval, Steve Rowan, Professor Harry Blutstein, and his mate Nick Karamouzis, bitching like adolescents about noise from a safety device, used on railway property for the purposes of warning and protection from harm, that they CHOOSE to live near

And even moreso with clueless cretins like Robert `Dumb-Arse’ Doyle and Jon `Flunky’ Faine who take up arms on a subject they know nothing about on behalf of these adolescent fools.

*Law of Averages –

And then you get this shit – Two Bob each way from the world’s most contagious railway

More morons who know NOTHING sticking their oar into the running of the railway! An (uncharacteristic) excursion into `good corporate citizenship’ and (Standard Operating Procedure) in having 2 bob each way.

What the instant expert, Elizabeth Hennessy, doesn’t tell you, is that the VICERS ‘logging’ of whistle use is dodgy – nay, downright unreliable – you can blow it, and it don’t (necessarily) show it!

She also doesn’t tell you that her very good friends at HR (insert your favourite epithet ” Horse’s Rectum Department, Human Remains, Pissants & Pustules etc.” here) will be lining up to ream your arse a foot wide when someone gets killed or injured because you were sooo busy considering the “impact of noise pollution on our customers and residential neighbours” and considering “the time of day – around residential properties” in accordance with Elizabeth’s well-intentioned but brain damaged “ENVIRO ALERT”.

You have to make allowances for airheads like Elizabeth “she just doesn’t know any better. In fact, she doesn’t know anything” except whose arse to kiss to get ahead!


That’s funny.

I’ve never seen anything about that in the Rules, Regulations, or Operating Instructions! Haven’t ever heard anything about any ‘latitude in interpretation’ in the coroner’s court either. But it won’t be Elizabeth that gets the sack, and/or goes to jail, will it?

It won’t be Elizabeth that gets stood down and fucked over for more than 2 years while the courts and lawyers and vested interests argue the toss, and cover their own arses, will it? answer-over-passengers-death-20160129-gmh49u.html

Nope – that’ll be you!

Now, If these retards want all night trains, that comes with rumbling wheels, flange squealing, ringing bells at crossings, drunk bogans making their way home from the local station and pissing in your front yard, AND WHISTLE USE just the same as at any other time.

And in fact, there’s probably a range of good arguments for the more particular, more frequent, more diligent use of whistles.

And the unwashed masses will just have to get used to it – WON’T THEY!

Or maybe complain to the Minister, a lot, and get the all-night trains AMEX’d.

Note 6:


We (mostly) use two whistles of 3-5 seconds each approaching crossings, depending on speed. Doyle, Faine, May, Duval, Rowan, Blutstein and Karamouzis” and anyone else contemplating a career as a self-styled crusader rabbit and self-appointed expert in the matter of noise `pollution’ and anti-whistle activism, might like to reflect on Note 5; SILENCE IS GOLDEN, in the context of Association of American Railroads, Rule 14(l), which states;

œRule 14 (l)”” o” (Two long whistles, one short, and a long)

  1. Trains or engines approaching public highway grade crossings shall sound the horn at least 15 seconds, but no more than 20 seconds before the lead engine enters the crossing. Trains or engines travelling at speeds greater than 45 mph shall begin sounding the horn at or about, but not more than, one-quarter mile (1,320 feet) in advance of the nearest public crossing. Even if the advance warning provided by the horn will be less than 15 seconds in duration. This signal is to be prolonged or repeated until the engine or train occupies the crossing; or, where multiple crossings are involved, until the last crossing is occupied.

  2. Approaching tunnels, yards, or other points where railroad workers may be at work.

  3. Passing standing trains.

And then just shut up and go away.

It’s also worth noting that Rule 14(l) approximates the first four notes (in timing) of the œFuneral March” Daaah Daaah Da Daaah!

And it’s your funeral mate!

You REALLY wanna die?” Come on down!



  1. Stan Schram.

    As a long retired, but still, railwayman, all I can say is,
    Thank goodness someone has finally said this. No one understands just what a responsibility EVERY train driver has. On day shift, night shift, early starts late finishes, there is no difference. Today could be your day when someone walks in front of you. What can you do? NOTHING. I have had the the great misfortune to be the first officer to arrive at the scene of an accident. There is no one to stand up for the driver. I have been threatened with arrest for interfering with a policemans interrogation of a train driver. No one thinks of the INNOCENT party. THE DRIVER/CREW. Unfortunately it is very easy to sit back and make judgements. Believe me, it is altogether different when you are the one who goes through this. My first death on the job was a driver who couldn’t take it any longer. That was in 1967. He didn’t get any counselling, neither did I, Fortunately my father was WW2 digger and realised straight away what I was going through. Thanks Dad. Yes this is all from the heart. From everyone of us. Working or retired. Well written and researched mate!


  2. J. M. Pitman

    Loved it! Every word was spot on and written with humour and facts. Congratulations to the ‘Scribe’.


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